Depression And Mental Health Support Thread

[LegendZilla]

Can I ask if one can undergo depression without experiencing full-blown self-loathing? I have experienced depression before stemming from not having expectations met in life, leading to frustration and bitterness. Despite that, I still clung on to the sense that I deserved better. If I were to guess, having self loathing combined with depression is a whole other league.

[Executive Hamster]

Probably not depression, but certainly related to mental health; Ive alluded to this before, but never told the full story. Last November, around the 10th, I think, I was in my kitchen having a chat with my little brother. I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember it being funny as fuck, as he always was. I didn't know it at the time, but as I left the kitchen that day, that would be the last time I ever saw him alive.

On the 12th, I had learned that he was hospitalized for a gunshot wound to the neck. I was left in the dark about anything surrounding the incident until a fair bit later. The 13th, I saw him in his hospital bed, and held his hand, he was still "alive" in a sense, but he was gone. A stroke the night before had done him in. By the 17th, he was finally officially declared dead, kept alive long enough for his organs to be donated.

As the story goes, he was playing around with an antique flintlock pistol, and had some how managed to jostle it hard enough that the power residue in it went off, immediately severing the carotid artery. Its such a weird turn of events, so strange that I wasn't even sad at first, just confused. It felt like a dream.

Months go by, and I occasionally had moments of sadness, but the real pain didn't start to hit until recently. He was class of 2022. Right now he should be doing finals for graduation and going to prom and the senior trip. But instead he's sitting in an urn on our table. How is that fair? How is that fucking fair at all? Its the greatest injustice in human history. Stephen had his life in order in ways I could never even begin to. He lived every single day like it was an adventure, like there was somewhere new to go, to explore. He had fun. It isn't fair. Why couldn't it be me. He didn't deserve this.

The pain hits me and it just shuts me down, and I just don't know how to deal with it in the slightest. I don't have many friends anymore, most of them faded away as I lost my own senior year to Covid. I have few people to talk to and a lot of pain to think about. Sometimes it makes it hard to get up every day. Sometimes things feel like they aren't worth it anymore. I just don't know how to deal.

[Voyager]

Probably not depression, but certainly related to mental health; Ive alluded to this before, but never told the full story. Last November, around the 10th, I think, I was in my kitchen having a chat with my little brother. I don't remember what we talked about, but I remember it being funny as fuck, as he always was. I didn't know it at the time, but as I left the kitchen that day, that would be the last time I ever saw him alive.

On the 12th, I had learned that he was hospitalized for a gunshot wound to the neck. I was left in the dark about anything surrounding the incident until a fair bit later. The 13th, I saw him in his hospital bed, and held his hand, he was still "alive" in a sense, but he was gone. A stroke the night before had done him in. By the 17th, he was finally officially declared dead, kept alive long enough for his organs to be donated.

As the story goes, he was playing around with an antique flintlock pistol, and had some how managed to jostle it hard enough that the power residue in it went off, immediately severing the carotid artery. Its such a weird turn of events, so strange that I wasn't even sad at first, just confused. It felt like a dream.

Months go by, and I occasionally had moments of sadness, but the real pain didn't start to hit until recently. He was class of 2022. Right now he should be doing finals for graduation and going to prom and the senior trip. But instead he's sitting in an urn on our table. How is that fair? How is that fucking fair at all? Its the greatest injustice in human history. Stephen had his life in order in ways I could never even begin to. He lived every single day like it was an adventure, like there was somewhere new to go, to explore. He had fun. It isn't fair. Why couldn't it be me. He didn't deserve this.

The pain hits me and it just shuts me down, and I just don't know how to deal with it in the slightest. I don't have many friends anymore, most of them faded away as I lost my own senior year to Covid. I have few people to talk to and a lot of pain to think about. Sometimes it makes it hard to get up every day. Sometimes things feel like they aren't worth it anymore. I just don't know how to deal.

Jesus Christ, that is probably the worst thing I’ve seen on here. May God rest his soul, and I hope you are able to make it through okay. If I found out that a younger sibling, or any of my siblings, was suddenly killed in a horrible accident, I wouldn’t know what to do. I’d probably shut down.

I really can’t help because I know nothing I say will even amount to a drop of water in the ocean of your grief, but I’ll try nonetheless. Remember the good times. Remember that you and your family have each other. Remember that he loved you very much. Remember that this is not the end.

No matter how bad things get, it’s always good to pick yourself up and try to get better from the experience. Don’t take this as me saying “stop being sad about this”, but rather as me saying you’re gonna get through it.

[Major sssspielberg!]

The pain hits me and it just shuts me down, and I just don't know how to deal with it in the slightest. I don't have many friends anymore, most of them faded away as I lost my own senior year to Covid. I have few people to talk to and a lot of pain to think about. Sometimes it makes it hard to get up every day. Sometimes things feel like they aren't worth it anymore. I just don't know how to deal.

I'm so sorry, man. All I can say is that your brother wouldn't want you being miserable. You learn to live with the memory, and it becomes less overtly painful. It's dark right now Hamster, but the only thing you can do is persevere. I'm assuming the senior year you're referring to is high school? If so, you've got many many years ahead of you to build a full life. I barely talk to my close friends from school, but since I've started college I've made some of the deepest connections I've had in my life. Things change, relationships fade and grow. This time last year I was doomposting on this very board, and I'm embarrassed about it, but in the last 8 months I've started building a better life, and I find myself finally learning to live with the pains that have kept me from being all that I can be. It's cliche, but people are capable of amazing things in the face of adversity. I know if you hang in there, and keep working at life, you'll be capable of doing amazing things that your brother would be proud of. You got people here rooting for you, too.

[Voyager]

I’ve been trying to live positive for so long and today the veil finally broke. I won’t say what happened, but I just kinda broke today. No big breakdown, but I just sat down in my room and cried for a bit. The pressure to be a role model for people has put a lot on my shoulders, and the pressure to be a shining beacon of happiness for said people has only heightened my load.

So, I just cried for some time. Not over the top sobbing, just sadness and tears.

Added in 19 minutes 38 seconds:
No, I will tell. I try to make people happy, I try to help everyone I can, and what do I get in return? They treat me like shit and act like victims when I call them out.

[Thatguy4683]

I’ve been trying to live positive for so long and today the veil finally broke. I won’t say what happened, but I just kinda broke today. No big breakdown, but I just sat down in my room and cried for a bit. The pressure to be a role model for people has put a lot on my shoulders, and the pressure to be a shining beacon of happiness for said people has only heightened my load.

So, I just cried for some time. Not over the top sobbing, just sadness and tears.

It gonna to be difficult to become a role model for people to look up to, but i’m not saying it’s impossible you can do. it takes a lot of hard effort and work to earn that title, and I can say without hesitation that you already earn that title, but the most important thing that we can all agree on it’s what you do as a role model that matters, when you eventually become the role model you dreamed about, you will make a lot of people happy not just in this thread but around the world.

[Major sssspielberg!]

I believe in you Voyager! Don't give up on yourself. It's hard trying to guide and help others, or be a force of positivity. You can really only learn the breaks through experience and making mistakes.

[Gojira1604]

Hi

[Jomei]

Can I ask if one can undergo depression without experiencing full-blown self-loathing?

Yes.

[LegendZilla]

Can I ask if one can undergo depression without experiencing full-blown self-loathing?

Yes.

Just so you know, I have experienced depression on-and-off over the past couple of years. Heck in 2019, I felt borderline suicidal.

[Voyager]

Can I ask if one can undergo depression without experiencing full-blown self-loathing?

Yes.

Just so you know, I have experienced depression on-and-off over the past couple of years. Heck in 2019, I felt borderline suicidal.

That sucks, but never give in. It’s perfectly okay to be said and down, but never let it control you. Keep moving, bro

[LegendZilla]

Yes.

Just so you know, I have experienced depression on-and-off over the past couple of years. Heck in 2019, I felt borderline suicidal.

That sucks, but never give in. It’s perfectly okay to be said and down, but never let it control you. Keep moving, bro

A big part of it is where I am currently living. I said this several years ago, but me and my parents since 2015 have moved to a region in eastern British Columbia of which despite being clean, peaceful and beautiful does not offer much for me. The more passionate you feel about the simpler things in life, the more you might like living their yourself. I have nothing against the simpler things in life myself, but I am by no means a die-hard fan.

[Jomei]

Can I ask if one can undergo depression without experiencing full-blown self-loathing?

Yes.

Just so you know, I have experienced depression on-and-off over the past couple of years. Heck in 2019, I felt borderline suicidal.

Last couple years were tough for people, too. This might sound boring, but sunshine and exercise do an awful lot. They regulate sleep, too, which is another underrated factor. Keep those devices away from you at bedtime.

[LegendZilla]

Devices at bedtime can become as addictive as a drug nowadays.

[Gojira1604]

I haven't had a friend in real life for 7 years now. It really hurt to tears today.

[Vakanai]

I've suffered from depression, not for a year or two, but almost my entire life. I've suffered from self loathing at least half that long. Those two things have been the primary things of my mental and emotional health pretty much always. And honestly, I'm used to it and can function fine with it. I've my coping strategies, I've become numb, and truthfully there's enough distractions and good things in life that all the depression is just background noise to my default neutral state. Like, when something isn't new, when it's something you're just used to, it might not be good but it's not a big deal. You just chalk it up to brain chemistry or whatever and you push it down and you get on with life. That's what I've done, and emotionally I was in a holding pattern, and honestly pretty good all things considered.

And then I poked the bear. I made a mistake. I always assumed that as long as I had my depression and self loathing in check, I'd have no "internal issues". Sure, something awful might happen to me in life, but that's external forces. That's outside influences. I figured I didn't have to worry about anything else bubbling up inside of me like how depression and loathing used to bubble up from within when I was younger. But I didn't count on my "minor" body image issue to not be so minor. I always assumed that I didn't like my face and body because of low self esteem and low self confidence born out of self loathing. It makes sense that if you don't like yourself you won't like how you look. I never looked further into it than that, never thought I needed to - compared to the depression and loathing it was like the smallest problem I had. If I just keep the other two in check then that one is no biggie. But recently I got stupid and actually thought to look into it and...well, gender dysphoria is a thing I can now say I've experienced. And keep experiencing, in various ways and forms apparently.

I mean, I kind of had suspicions that way for some time, but I figured probably not because I would just "know" something like that right? Nope, apparently people can go a long time without knowing...that about themselves. And like I said, I'm used to depression and self loathing because of a lifetime of experience, I know those things and can just deal. This, at least in this fashion and strength, is new. I don't have a lifetime of experience for how you handle not feeling right in your own skin. So yeah, my mental health is taking a hit. Been a month of just so many uncomfortable things and feelings and thoughts. I'm trying to learn how to handle it, joined some online groups, started taking an antidepressant, plan to seek some therapy/counseling in the near future, but...yeah.

[eabaker]

I've suffered from depression, not for a year or two, but almost my entire life. I've suffered from self loathing at least half that long. Those two things have been the primary things of my mental and emotional health pretty much always. And honestly, I'm used to it and can function fine with it. I've my coping strategies, I've become numb, and truthfully there's enough distractions and good things in life that all the depression is just background noise to my default neutral state. Like, when something isn't new, when it's something you're just used to, it might not be good but it's not a big deal. You just chalk it up to brain chemistry or whatever and you push it down and you get on with life. That's what I've done, and emotionally I was in a holding pattern, and honestly pretty good all things considered.

And then I poked the bear. I made a mistake. I always assumed that as long as I had my depression and self loathing in check, I'd have no "internal issues". Sure, something awful might happen to me in life, but that's external forces. That's outside influences. I figured I didn't have to worry about anything else bubbling up inside of me like how depression and loathing used to bubble up from within when I was younger. But I didn't count on my "minor" body image issue to not be so minor. I always assumed that I didn't like my face and body because of low self esteem and low self confidence born out of self loathing. It makes sense that if you don't like yourself you won't like how you look. I never looked further into it than that, never thought I needed to - compared to the depression and loathing it was like the smallest problem I had. If I just keep the other two in check then that one is no biggie. But recently I got stupid and actually thought to look into it and...well, gender dysphoria is a thing I can now say I've experienced. And keep experiencing, in various ways and forms apparently.

I mean, I kind of had suspicions that way for some time, but I figured probably not because I would just "know" something like that right? Nope, apparently people can go a long time without knowing...that about themselves. And like I said, I'm used to depression and self loathing because of a lifetime of experience, I know those things and can just deal. This, at least in this fashion and strength, is new. I don't have a lifetime of experience for how you handle not feeling right in your own skin. So yeah, my mental health is taking a hit. Been a month of just so many uncomfortable things and feelings and thoughts. I'm trying to learn how to handle it, joined some online groups, started taking an antidepressant, plan to seek some therapy/counseling in the near future, but...yeah.

Perhaps you'll find that you've actually discovered the root of your depression and self loathing, and could be taking your first step toward healing through this revelation?

[JAGzilla]

^ I was going to say the same thing. This sounds like a potentially positive turning point, Vakanai. Even if it's currently causing problems for you, at least you're aware of it, now. You know what it is, and you can take steps to deal with it rather than letting it subconsciously chip away at you.

[Vakanai]

Perhaps you'll find that you've actually discovered the root of your depression and self loathing, and could be taking your first step toward healing through this revelation?

^ I was going to say the same thing. This sounds like a potentially positive turning point, Vakanai. Even if it's currently causing problems for you, at least you're aware of it, now. You know what it is, and you can take steps to deal with it rather than letting it subconsciously chip away at you.

That's actually a thought that's been rattling around in my head lately despite my efforts to not think that, yeah. But it's kind of hard not to think about that. The thing is, knowing seems like it's made it worse. Not just from the emotional point of view of kind of going through it as a crisis, but also in a more complex way. Like before, not knowing why I feel the way that I do, gave me a means to better ignore it because there's nothing I could do to change how I feel. So I just spend an inordinate amount of time just killing time (like talking too much about my most loved and most hated Godzilla movies for example). But now it's like I suddenly know things that might actually possibly make me feel better for the first time in my life - but for a slew of reasons (awkward conversations with family, trying to hide things like clothing for example, worried about what people would think or say or do, or just the fact the modern world just really isn't all that accepting and welcoming - never mind living in south freaking Alabama) not being ready or willing to take those steps, it's just another problem really. Like dangling a carrot before a bunny that they can never have - it's just all I can think about sometimes, and all my usual ways of killing time are just not really as effective anymore. Like, remember how heated I could get about GvK, or how much I could praise Shin? Now it's like, I don't care that one made me lose interest in a kaiju universe or one is my all time favorites, they're both just dumb movies. And pretty much all the geeky stuff I love and hate is like that - uninteresting nothing-stuff in light of real life "this". Like I lost my ability to just ignore my problems and get on with life, while also being unable and unwilling to act on that particular problem. So now it's just there in focus to some degree or another most of the time. I got so used to not fully feeling the things I feel, and being bereft that and just feeling without being able to do much with or to those feelings is a light kind of torture. So it's hard to see the positive in it, at least for now, and I'm trying to lose myself in things that don't matter until this somehow normalizes, but it's so ineffectual.

Sorry, probably too much of a wall of text there, and more than I intended. Just kind of came spilling out once I started typing. Like my problems aren't that much, people have it much worse than I do. Just got to figure it out somehow. But thank you both, really.

[GodzillaFan1990's]

I've finally figured out days where I've felt lifeless and empty isn't because I find life meaningless anymore but the fact I'm always distracted by my obsessive-compulsive thoughts which has to the point makes me feel unmotivated to do any of my interests like read, write or play video games.

This is something I'm going to tackle with my next potential therapist when I get another one.

Feeling I'm setting myself on the right path.