Transcending fade.

Need we say more? Armor Mothra is the zenith of quintessential awesomeness. Forged from mines of Moria, Armor Mothra is made of pure mithril, mined by the dwarves and infused with the magic of the elves (that is, if we're to take credence in the fan fics of "ringers"). Armor Mothra's arrogance was clear from the get go; he knew he was unsurpassed in most avenues, but he was also hollow on the inside. It is true, he lacked a certain "something" that he just couldn't figure out. Eventually he realized his calling... he would have to convince every man, woman, child, and ferret of the universe of his awe-inspiring coolness. He began in the deepest realms of the cosmos, and his mission continues even to this very day. Whenever someone even begins to question an iota of his greatness, he swoops in prepared to offer a rebuttal that would make even the most seasoned of awesome people quake in their now less-than-awesome-in-comparison shoes.

Armor Mothra's diet consists of iron, bronze, steel, and awe. His main hobby consists of showing up at the most inopportune of times to flex his shiny, mothy pecs. Some say that Armor Mothra's transcending fade could wow even the Russian judges at the Olympics, a feat previously thought nigh impossible. Time will tell; he knows the committee will eventually invite him to participate in the Olympics, simply because (as he puts it): "They know it's the right thing to do..."

Armor Mothra can be found on Armor Infant Island, a far more fortified version of Infant Island, where the very grass is made of chain mail and the very trees are simply giant maces! If you'd like to reach him, be sure to offer him a greeting of pure adamantium!

Only a monster with a sexy quotient of 1,000,000 earns the right to the title Studly Saurian. Sadly, Baragon van Horn falls short of that coveted honor by millions and millions of sexy points...

Baragon originally appeared on Coruscant as Jedi Master Baragon. He was sorely unprepared for Chancellor Gabara's upheaval and Padawan Godzilla's treachery, and was forced into exile on Earth... despite the awesomeness of his one-of-a-kind Magenta Glowy Sword. Due to the fact that exile is as boring as all get-out, Baragon felt as though he would punish himself even further by lulling himself into a state of unspeakable madness by sifting through tome after tome of medical knowledge. Within time, he became a walking encyclopedia of medicine... and he soon befriended an ambitious upstart named Frankenstein.

Baragon and Frankenstein together dreamed up a new world order, where monsters would take over humans for the "greater good". Baragon quickly became disillusioned by Frankenstein's lust for sheer power, and they dueled in a battle that knocked the reptile's sister, Ariana, temporarily unconscious. No one knew who exactly was responsible... but as time went on, Frankenstein became more and more powerful as he continued his great march for domination. That is when he came into possession of the Elder Stick, a pointing stick so powerful, it could convince any client of the importance of an investment by making its wielder unbeatable in business presentations. It's former owner, the pointing stick master of Central Europe, Gregorovitch, was deeply troubled by the loss of his prized pointer... but there was no need to fear! Frankenstein failed to gain true ownership of the Elder Stick, due to the fact that pointing stick lore is very ancient and complicated... and Baragon won his battle with Frankenstein in their widely-publicized duel of 1945. Frankenstein currently resides in Nurmengard Prison, and Baragon is the current owner of the Elder Stick, which he uses as a visual aid in medical presentations. It should be noted that he has yet to make a bad presentation...

Baragon's diet consists chiefly of beluga caviar, fillet mignon, and lobster tail on the side... cuz he's so dang rich! His main hobby, aside from pawning off placebo's on CNN, is badminton. His style is so precise and refined, that some believe him to be a former Jedi. If those people would simply ask Baragon about his past, they would realize that their suspicions are completely correct!

Baragon currently resides at the Kaiju General Hospital on Lagos, but has sometimes been noted to stay on his own private island of Baratopia. Cuz he's so dang rich!

Fellas, one word of advice for you. Don't ask Biollante to wear the gold bikini!

Biollante is the amalgam of Godzilla, a rose, and a girl named Erika. Upon realizing she had become a kaiju, Erika was at first reluctant, but she soon realized the world of monsters had its perks. When she was offered the ability to have her old body cloned and her soul implanted in the Erika replica, she ultimately declined. She was quoted as saying: "Dude! Why would I want to that?!? I'm the coolest frickin' plant monster ever!"

Eventually, she decided she would take a trip into outer space, where she fought in the Galactic Kaiju War. There, she met the dashing, daring, and actually rather chicken-livered Han Guirus Solo. She dragged her delusional boyfriend back to Earth after the eventual rebel victory.

Presently, Biollante writes literature. Her most recent works include, Botany and Feminism, a Tale of Plant Life and Freedom and A Rose Lined with Teeth is Still a Rose. Her diet consists of water, sunlight, and soil. Biollante's main hobbies consist of visiting lakes, dematerializing and rematerializing, space-travel, galactic politics, and also horseback riding. Some people are under the misconception that Biollante doesn't speak to Dr. Shiragami much anymore, but this is far from the truth. They go bowling on Saturdays.

Biollante can be found residing in Lake Ashino. Again, don't even bring up the gold bikini...

Black Moth is a surfer dude at heart, with a hairdo that may be a few decades behind the times (and a taste in music that lags even further behind). Does this bother him? "Umm, like... no? Maybe?"

The result of brain swapping and wing-grafting, Black Moth has only one goal in his life: to do his job to the best of his inability. He began his career as a noble busboy at Le Restau Romantique, and through hard work, grit, and determination, he managed to snag his current position as Assistant Head Waiter in record time! In his excitement, he has been known to send messages to himself in the past using the Retro-Transmitter (which operates through the use of faster-than-light tachyon particles, perhaps?), simply as a means to tell his past self just how much he will ultimately accomplish. This tends to fail miserably, mainly due to the fact that the Retro-Transmitter requires a Retro-Receiver, which hadn't been invented at the time he was a busboy.

Black Moth's diet consists almost entirely of cat food and birdseed. Whenever Black Moth isn't serving geriatric soylent foodstuffs, he can be found surfing/skateboarding/sitting. Due to his sometimes immense mass, surfing is actually an amazingly diifficult pastime to pursue. Fortunately, he is always at the ready, with a beach blanket and an umbrella under which to nap... the auxiliary plan, as it were. One common misconception is that Black Moth is a 100% pure "valley guy". This is rather inaccurate according to Black Moth, who was quoted as saying: "As if! Whatever!" Perhaps he can't be fully trusted in his self-assessment.

Black Moth can be found residing at latitude zero, aka the equator. Be sure to bring your Clueless-to-English Dictionary whenever you visit.

Widely considered the most popular character in the history of anything anywhere, Boba Larva first appeared in the 1980 smash-hit sci-fi epic Toho Wars Episode 35: The Satire Strikes Back. Although, the advent of this new character was first realized in 1978 with the release of the Toho Wars Christmas Special. Highly flammable toys with lead-enriched paint were released soon thereafter.

Boba Larva was an unaltered clone of Jango Imago, a semi-ruthless Bounty Hunter who lived in the days of the Old Republic. He soared through the cosmos in his modified cruiser... the Dave I (named after Dave Thomas, the founder of Wendy's). After Emperor Gabara established the New Kaiju Order, Boba was approached by the Monster Alliance as a part of its never ending quest to (quote-unquote) stick it to the man! Boba refused, and remained a mercenary for hire. Upon the destruction of the first Mothership, Darth Mechagodzilla became antsy in his quest to locate the sole party responsible: Minilla Atmospheretreader (who later turned out to be the son of Godzilla Atmospheretreader; who had his limbs cut off by King Kong Earlobey on the volcanic planet of Volcanicplanet; Godzilla then became Darth Mechagodzilla after a surgical consult from General Moguera; who also happened to be a doctor). It was clear to the evil Sith dude (that would be Darth Mechagodzilla, for those of you who got confused by the contents of the previous sentence's parentheses) that it would have to be through Minilla's friends that his devious ends could be reached, and so he set his sights on apprehending Han Guirus, Princess Biollante Organa (who later turned out to be Minilla's sister), C-3PZone Fighter (who later turned out to have actually been built by Mechagodzilla), and Sandabacca (who later turned out to have had a sex-change operation in Switzerland a few years back).

Meanwhile, Boba Larva was quite mad with monetary desire... greed, if you will. The kingpin of organized crime on the planet of Tatoo-me, Hedorah the Smog, had leveled a price on the head of his once prized smuggler Han Guirus. Using tactics pioneered by the great inventors of hide-and-seek, Boba Larva managed to locate Han in the magnificent Undercloud City... an awe-inspiring city situated completely under the clouds... on the ground...

Imperial troops managed to place Han Guirus into a state of hibernation in a large bottle of carbonized RC cola, and Boba Larva transported his prize back to Tatoo-me, where he charged Hedorah the Smog a slew of unreasonably-priced fees. They set up an installment plan, but the interest was killer, and the first bill was pro-rated, which almost led to a few bounced checks here and there due to some miscommunication... but it all got settled by the third quarter... and they were in the green by late November.

Boba Larva decided to hang around for a while, but he was soon in for the fight of his life! Minilla, whom everyone originally thought was a wimp, managed to break Han Guirus free while they were situated precariously over the Pit of Cartoon. Boba Larva used his jet packs (sold separately) to traverse the gully to the skiff, but alas, the oldest slapstick gag in the book led him on a one-way trip to the belly of the Senile Sarlacc... an atrocious beast that would tell stories about its youth that would go nowhere... for a thousand years...

But Boba Larva escaped later on... even though the director of the trilogy originally said he didn't. That angered Boba Larva, and he turned the director in for unpaid parking tickets.

No bounty too small...

Boba Larva's diet consists solely of cameos. His main hobby consists of collecting bounty, although sometimes he has to settle with brawny. Some say that the abundance of unnecessary puns in this paragraph exceed the number of unneeded scenes that have been added to the Special Editions that feature everyone's favorite mercenary moth. This is untrue, as no known numerical quantity will ever even reach that level!

Boba Larva currently resides in Moth Eisely on Tatoo-me... and can sometimes be found at his winter resort in Hawaii.

Object-subject-verb... is there any sweeter sentence construction? "Think not, I do... hmm... yes..."

Widely considered the most powerful of the Jedi Knights, Dagahra was all big-time and whatnot for almost 900 years! Then came the upheaval, the New Order, and all that jazz. Exiled to the distant planet of Dagahra... he waited tirelessly for the day that "A New Hope" would arrive. Instead, he got Minilla Atmospheretreader... and the rest is history!

Daggy's diet consists of anything he can find in his swamplike homeworld. Luckily, there are an abundance of fast food franchises that have scoured the galaxy even more feverishly than the dreaded empire, and a few chains (such as McAntilles and Bantha King) have colonized worlds even as sparse as this. The Jedi Master's hobbies consist almost entirely of complaining about foreign food, playing with flashlights, riding on people's backs, levitating X-Wings, talking to luminous ghosts, ruthlessly butchering clone troopers, and other such wholesome activities. Originally, Dagahra was a muppet... now he's a wire mesh skeleton! And he's never felt better!

Dagahra apparently became a luminous being, just like his pupil Jedi General King Kong... and he can be found standing next to Hayden Christiensen in the 2004 Special Edition of Toho Wars.

Deutalios was the result of bioengineering gone terribly wrong... much like the cubic watermelon, if that were the result of bioengineering that is... which it isn't...

Originally cast for a brief role in Godzilla vs. Biollante (1989), Deutalios thought he would finally make something of himself in the film industry. Sadly, he was canned during early script rewrites.

So he sought his revenge!

When that inevitably failed, he guzzled latté, espresso, cappuccino, and every other form of unnecessarily-expensive caffeinated-beverage until his very DNA became a mild stimulant.

Unable to stem his own hyperactivity, he realized that his only recourse was to become an announcer at organized sporting events:

• 2005: The Star Wars Episode III vs. Serenity Fan Wars
• 2006: The Monster Island Summer Vacation Water Balloon Toss
• 2007: The Arena :: Gabara vs. the Shobijin
• 2008: The US Presidential Election :: Kucinich vs. Buchanan
• 2009: Bio-Conan O'Brien vs. Mecha-Carson Daily
• 2010: Humankind vs. the Carnivorous Insects of Rigel VII

Deutalios' diet consists chiefly of pixie sticks, purified high fructose corn syrup, and double mocha latté's with cream and nutmeg. A proud, card-carrying member of the Kaijucratican Party, Deutalios' main hobby is political commentary. It was once thought that if you looked hard enough, you could find a picture of Deutalios on a 100 dollar bill. This has since been proven to be an erroneous claim... as people were mistaking Ben Franklin for Deutalios.

Deutalios can be found currently residing in the historic Coffee District of Seattle, or sometimes deep within the sugar mines of the third moon of Rigel VII.

The spawn of pure weirdness itself, Dinosaur Doug is a character often known by appearance but never referred to by name. This is mainly due to the fact that his full name is ridiculously long, and the method by which people often tried to shorten it to "Dinosaur Doug" is considered by many to be absolutely ludicrous.

Dinosaur Doug was born in 1986... merely but a single year in a time period widely labeled the "Heisei Timeline" by Godzilla enthusiasts. The proximity of his birth to the adjacent kaiju films of the 1980's left him dark, cunning, and oddly powerful in nature. He was a feral being to be reckoned with! And then, he got knocked on the head by a 16-ton weight in the nineties (due to some odd time travel anomalies that were never fully explained)...

Now, he's a rather placid fanboy who enjoys flowers and butterflies (but never at the same time). In recent times, he has been known to seek out any out-of-the-ordinary situation and suddenly burst into a ridiculous tirade, concerning either the spontaneous verbalization of something completely obvious, or on occasion, merely to flaunt his ukulele-thrashing abilities.

While it is often claimed that his visage is a modified Ed from Ed, Edd, and Eddy, and that his voice is merely a terrible impression of Homsar from Homestarrunner.com, our good friend Dinosaur Doug (or "Double-D", no relation whatsoever to Edd from Ed, Edd, and Eddy however) denies all such claims and fervently holds to the fact that his parentage is not a highly-caffeinated, overpriced beverage.

Dinosaur Doug's hobbies include producing weekly toons for a fictional website about cartoon characters producing equally-fictious toons for an even more equallier fictiousier homepage of some nature of some sort... sort. Dinosaur Doug's main diet consists of roasted chicken breast sandwiches from Subway, with more than a modest sampling of jalepeños on the side for no apparent reason.

Dinosaur Doug currently resides in an undisclosed location in the United States... possibly at a secret military base which was constructed on a dry lake bed in Groom Lake... which is adjacent to Rachel, Nevada. Yeah, that one...

Gabara's story (well, at least this version) begins during the Triassic period. Once upon a time, a Tanystropheus fell into a tar pit... and the tar pit was radioactive or something. Ever since, Gabara has been doomed to walk the Earth, draped in a polyester cloak (which is why some contend that his full name is actually Gabara von Cloak). He has made a name for himself appearing when others wish he wouldn't and speaking when others plead that he stop. Fortunately, he has (finally) found a constructive hobby! He, along with Monster X, are the proud parents of the Kaiju Kritics phenomenon which has gripped the world (well, some sections of Malta, San Marino, and Flagler Beach, FL). His kaiju kritiquing powers have grown in strength, but are often curbed in caliber by his proclivity to the non sequitur. Forsooth!

Gabara's diet consists mainly of beef jerky, doritos x-13d, and mountain dew code red. His main hobby is sorcery, which includes electrokinesis and general potionry. Some say that the Rock of Gibraltar was one of Gabara's magical creations... to which he has been quoted as responding, "WHAT?!? Seriously, that doesn't make any sense."

Gabara can be found currently residing in the Monsterland Wildlife Preserve on Ogasawara, or sometimes at the local casino.

What some may take millennia to accomplish, the Giant Condor simply achieves by putting his full confidence in the abilities of those whose endeavors stretch thousands of years. The Giant Condor was born to even gianter condors in 1966 on the island of Letchi. Despite this fact, and due to vaguely-explained temporal distortions initiated by Futurian activity, the Giant Condor remains three-and-a-half years old to this very day.

The Giant Condor's first encounter with stardom was a brief role in the 1966 movie: Ebirah, Horror of the Deep (1966). Immediately thereafter, his agent suffered temporary amnesia, and as a result, the Giant Condor fell out of stardom without a steady stream of work. In the mean time, he began to devour anime and digest manga. Eventually, the Giant Condor became the first scavenger bird in history to be inducted into the Otaku Hall of Fame. Near the turn of the century, Yu-Gi-Oh! became his primary source of entertainment... and to this day, he can quote any Bakura line in history (mainly due to the overall lack of this character's onscreen presence).

Nowadays, he pops in and out of view. However, his shrill voice, inquisitive nature, and dominating presence are indeed forces with which to be reckoned. The Giant Condor's diet consists not of carrion, as some avid ornithophiles might reckon, but instead of plain, regular food. Nothing unusual, except for his preference of soy milk, which is yet to be fully understood (oh, he gets the very vanilla stuff... well that is tasty). His hobbies include building scale replicas of Akihabara, zooming in on Akihabara with Google Earth, and learning how to write Akihabara in kana. It is said that the Giant Condor simply adores putting adhesive-backed googly eyes on just about everything. This is only partially true; just take the "just about" out of the previous sentence for clarification.

The Giant Condor lives with his parents on Letchi, and for similarly vague reasons as those listed in the first paragraph, they too do not age.

A tiny little seven-and-a-half meter gorilla fought an equally diminutive theropod in the early 1930's. That was mere child's play! Gorosaurus has been fighting massive monkeys on Mondo Island for many moons (well, technically massive apes, but I was going for alliteration).

When Gorosaurus' ape-boxing career ended in the mid-60's, he retired to Monster Island and opened his own sushi bar. After one hard day of work, he came home for some well-deserved rest. Then, he heard a buzzing. Megaguirus, the monstrous dragonfly, had invaded this silly saurian's bedroom. In a fit of ferocious phobia, he grabbed a novelty flyswatter, and began a long, long chase that would take him through several toonscapes.

He does rest though, and when he does, his preferred meal of choice is the Wendy's Kids Meal. His hobbies consist of badminton, which he occasionally plays (utilizing his massive flyswatter as a racquet) with his friend Baragon. Gorosaurus recently sublet his basement to Monster X, who has since become involved in spreading mindless threats across Monster Island. It's alright though, they both go square-dancing on Tuesdays.

Gorosaurus can be found chasing Megaguirus from here to there and yonder... but not when he has to work, and not on weekends... and not past 7:00 PM. Basically he has only a two hour window of opportunity five days a week... and even then, he only takes advantage of about 10% of that time. Oh well, what can I say? He has a life.

• Deepening of the voice, with slight incidents of cracking.
• Growth of new hair in places where hair was not previously present.
• An increased interest in female kaiju.
• An aversion to health class.

When Keizer Ghidorah learns to embrace these changes instead of shunning them, he too will become a man (err... kaiju).

Above is the only available photo of Little Godzilla... available from his YouTube exclusive series: Little Godzilla's Thrash Session. The chief reason photos of Little-G are so elusive is due to protection by his father: Godzilla; who has been long opposed to the relentless and infamous Ogasawara Paparazzi (which consists mainly of Deutalios, armed with a Sassio S880 digital camera).

Born on Adona Island to Godzilla and his little-known Georgia Engel-esque wife, Little Godzilla quickly grew in body and spirit. From an early age, he was an impressionable child... luckily, his straight-shooting friend Varan kept him clear of mischief (i.e. the whole "prodigious potion" fiasco). Little Godzilla soon discovered the internet and decided it was about time to allow his career as a punk rocker to finally take off! Donning a purple wig and a grating Sharon Osbourne-esque accent... he became a hit sensation in mid-2007... for about 15 minutes or so... then immediately became completely unpopular. Despite winning the Cutest Toho Monster Ever award (which was issued to him solely by his ever-supporting mother), Little Godzilla went the way of that Chocolate Rain Guy or the I Like Turtles Kid. He doesn't give up hope, for he understands the cyclical nature of the internet. He knows he'll be famous again... in the meantime, he's busy playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl.

Little Godzilla's diet consists mainly of home cooked meals (like a big lump of mashed potatoes with a smiley face made of gravy and a whipped butter nose... his mother does pamper him so). Many people think one of his main hobbies is basketball, due to his jersey and the fact that he sometimes hangs out near the nets at the school playground. This is completely, categorically, and undeniably false. He likes to play Gojiball... which is a basketball variant somewhat like "Horse"... but with the word "Goji" instead...

Little Godzilla currently lives on Birth Island. If you'd like to reach him, please go through our mutual friend Ms. Miki Saegusa.

Maguma epitomizes almost everything you could hope to be. Charming, attractive, and oozing with that anchorman-ish vocal presence that makes all of the ladies (and yes, even all of the dudes) swoon with delight.

Born a to King and Queen Waldorf of Marineland, young Maguma was once known as Tusky Waldorf. As time passed, Tusky realized he was no ordinary walrus. The glowing green eyes were the first indication of unusuality, and then his eventual growth to 50 meters proved to be a further aspect worthy of note. Eventually, Marineland in Niagara Falls was no longer able to house him (and Marineland in St. Augustine wasn't about to give it a try), so he was released into the sea in 1981. Immediately, he swam for the Antarctic, where he slept for the better part of a year. During the relocation of Planet Earth from its prior orbit in 1982, which we all know about because it was in all the papers (young people, check Wikipedia for further tongue-in-cheek details), he awoke from his slumber and asked: "Hey, what's the big deal?" Because humans have the proclivity to be unfriendly toward giant walruses (which is caused by a condition commonly known as macro-odobeniphobia), Maguma was fired upon, so he said: "Screw this, I'm going to the Arctic"...

... which is where he resides to the present day.

Maguma is a lacto-ovo vegetarian, which means he can eat almost anything except meat.. He doesn't partake of fish because, and we quote: "Hey, that's just not my thing." His main hobbies consist of singing the Marineland theme, narrating anything upon which he can get his hands, and watching movies alongside the Kaiju Kritics (as an interesting side note, he tried out a German accent in his first Kaiju Kritics appearance so as to confound and confuse the audience... but he became weary of the deception and now you hear his true voice). One misconception about Maguma is that his self-imagined nickname derives from the term for subterranean, molten rock. This is not true. it actually derives from his love of magazines that feature Uma Thurman.

Magazines - azines + Uma Thurman - Thurman = Maguma

The Arctic Circle is Maguma's current home, although he's considering remodeling it into a triangle... like what they did down in Bermuda.

The brainchild of Toho Kingdom’s very own Miles Imhoff, with quite a bit of help from a shady character who only goes by the name “Legionmaster.” No one knows for sure who this mystery figure is, but all that is known about him is that he helped build Mecha-Shelly.

Now, this fine piece of mechanical engineering was originally designed for use in anti Mecha Gyaos Type-45g Tactical Intrusion Tool operations, but since no such weapon exists, Mecha Shelly ended up going into the public service industry. Whenever he gets the chance, the jolly ol' robot grants any listeners a chance to hear honestly good advice, purged of any meaningless marketing jingle or slanderous misinformation.

In his free time, Mecha Shelly likes to make origami cranes and crush them, pretending that they are really Gyaos and he is the real Gamera, who we know doesn’t really exist. When not enticed by a dream world escape, Mecha Shelly likes long walks on the beach, a good romance novel, and raw sushi…
…Not that he needs a date. With the newest upgrades from Inventa Corp., Mecha Shelly is a Babe Magnet™ beta test. So far, however, all he’s managed to find are chicks that look like Yoda.

-Legionmaster

Armed with a second-hand Canon GL-2 prosumer-grade camcorder and stationed somewhere in one of Gorosaurus' back rooms (aka the "Undisclosed Location of Doom"), Monster X plots the downfall of the Monster Islanders... who robbed him of his splendor and victory in 2004. He reverted back to his Monster X form after his defeat as Keizer Ghidorah... possibly through the use of time travel or something...

Painstaking research into the inner machinations of Monster X's mind have revealed one truth and one truth alone. The guy's as psychotic as the day is long! Birthed in the very depths of space... spawned from the fires of a distant star... as powerful as an ox of above-average strength... his prowess for making vague threats and failing to act on them appealed to the like-minded Xilien armada. Turns out they were two peas in the same pod... SPACE pod that is. All was hunky-dorey until Monster X was face-to-face with Godzilla in a heated battle on planet Earth. Not surprisingly, Monster X ultimately lost, even after changing into his splendiferous Keizer Ghidorah form (a transformation inspired mainly by another powerful monster of doom: Keizer Wilhelm). Crestfallen, he fell back on his original career as a no-poison exterminator. During one of his routine trips to Gorosaurus' humble abode, he was offered a back room to sublet. And so, from his finished bedroom in the depths of Gorosaurus' soddy hobbithole basement on Monster Island, Monster X continues to make his threats against his fellow Monster Islanders. The video feeds are often submitted as mini DV tapes to local news stations, labeled by a cheap maker-o'-labels bearing only this single phrase: "more threats".

In a recent bid for legitimacy, Monster X teamed up with Gabara in order to found the Kaiju Enthusiasts Club for the Kritiquing of Movies of an Intriguing and Sometimes Not-So-Intriguing Nature. The name was rather a burden, so they now call themselves the Kaiju Kritics for short. Their ability to review films is second to none, and all but a handful of popular critics look to them for sage advice. They don't give out their sage advice for free, however! They require restitution in the form of a free meal, or possibly Nintendo DS games.

Monster X's hobbies include amateur filmmaking, square-dancing, movie reviewing, and various other wholesome activities. His main diet consists of you!

Monster X, as I stated 2 or 3 times already, lives on Monster Island with Gorosaurus. He can be contacted via his email address at monster_x04@yahoo.com. Feel free to email him! Go on! Go ahead!

Fear can be struck into the hearts of men in many ways. Some fear guns, others fear mercury poisoning, and still others fear Carrot Top... but only one creature can strike such a chord, that all who hear the plural proper noun to follow this increasingly suspenseful sentence (and the accompanying colon) will undoubtedly wet their rubber pants: fairies! Fairies are scary, dude... and none are quite as scary as the Shobijin.

Long ago, like, almost a thousand years ago... the Shobijin were the dominant race on the planet. However, due to their diminutive height, many were unable to adjust to the expansion of the much taller, heavier-footed humans. So they fled to Infant Island. There, they were forced to confront a tribe of enormous Infant Alligators, the reptillian race for whom the island was so named. It was a bloodless coup, and the gators were forced to journey to a more peaceful and inviting land known as the Florida Everglades. Meanwhile, the vampire plants and creepily-moving near-skeletal turtles of Infant Island were still a major problem. Therefore, the Shobijin gathered a following of yuppy refugees from Tokyo who gladly donned red makeup (for effect). They helped the fairies to build a 3-megaton proton bomb. The immensely powerful explosive device was designed to rid the island of the vampire plants, but sadly the explosion was too great, and it awoke a denizen of the subterranean deep... Mothra.

Mothra was, at that time, a single caterpillar... but her power was unsurpassed. She surveyed the now half-damaged isle, filled with sadness. Meanwhile, another monster by the name of Butterflyra appeared on the other side of Infant Island for no apparent reason. The thinly-thoraxed, featherless antennae'd, upright-wings-when-resting'ed abomination angered Mothra, and the thicker-thoraxed arthropod caused Butterflyra to flee the island. But it was not merely of Mothra's own desire, for it was only the first in a long line of sick, twisted telepathic commands transmitted by the merciless mercenaries of doom and destruction that were the Shobijin fairies. For it was that very pair of fairies who convinced Mothra that Butterflyra was to blame for the dreadful state of Infant Island... and Mothra believed them, because they had notorized documents to prove it. But she was deceived, for they were forged! Documents most foul, were they.

And that brings us to today! The diet of the Shobijin consists hugely of decaying carcasses, rotting tomatoes, and smashing pumpkins. Their main hobby is kicking butt and taking names, the former which they've admitted is far more satisfying than the latter. It was once believed that the Shobjin enjoyed toying with their victims before they made their finishing move... this has since been proven false, as they never tend to quite make that finishing move. In fact, come to think of it, they're kind of like that annoying kid in your class who just doesn't go away. Now imagine that kid with searing bolts of magenta plasma surging out of a centrally-located gem on a stylish Russian hat... yeah, it's like that kid.

Anyway... the Shobijin currently reside on Infant Island (aka Mothra's Island) as previously mentioned, which they have rented out to numerous yay-for-greedy-profit organizations... such as the Gerber and Pampers Corporations. If you'd like to visit the Shobjin fairies... be sure to write your will in advance.

To what extent do the words: "Welcome boys... to your doom!" make you want to cry for your Mommy? Kame no Gaikotsu, or as his friends call him, the "Skeleturtle", is all kinds of creepy wrapped in one pale, sunlight-deprived package. Originally a denizen of the South Pacific currents, Skeleturtle stopped off at Infant Island to rest his bones decades ago. Then... the nuclear tests began.

Afterward, he became pale, and frequently (and dubiously) proclaimed himself to be a walking skeleton. The testing of hydrogen bombs led to his developing an unusual power... instant guitar playing skills. He plays at a number of seedy and not-so-seedy establishments, and can be seen on those annoying video display screens at the Hard Rock Café. When his hit solo Dude, Seriously, Don't Make Me Come Over There and the follow-up Come On, Seriously, I'm Not Joking won him a total of 10 Grammies (don't ask us how), he decided to retire. He frequently makes up stories in order to gain some semblance of pity, which he immediately destroys with his manic mood swings. It might be hormonal, or it might be just for show. At any rate, this dude is weird.

The Skeleturtle's diet consists mainly of mineral water, honey, and white diamond truffles wrapped in edible gold leaf. His main hobby is coming up with lists of potential hobbies. It is sometimes believed that Skeleturtle is now completely skeletal. This is actually very far from the truth... have you ever seen a turtle skeleton? And have you ever seen one blink? Watch the Infant Island arrival scene in Mothra vs. Godzilla (1964) and zoom in, you'll see! You'll all see!

Skeleturtle can be found living in Southern California. Stop by to hear some sweet licks... and perhaps... he'll even let you leave!

Your local used car salesman... is there anyone in the entire world in whom you can place more trust? Titanosaurus was once the amazing discovery of the brilliant Dr. Mafune about 15 years prior to 1975. Unfortunately, Dr. Mafune's fellow scientists regarded his claims of discovering a living dinosaur as lunacy, despite the glaring fact that Godzilla, Anguirus, Rodan, and Varan were already discovered by 1960. That is beside the point, of course.

Failing to overcome Godzilla in the nuclear saurian's final bout of the decade, Titanosaurus went into hiding in 1975. He took on several odd jobs in the coming years. Some sighted a rather tall and scaly lounge singer in Reno. Still others claimed to see a red, reptilian door-to-door salesman in Albuquerque. There were still other sightings of a semi-aquatic dinosaur running a convenient mart in New Brunswick. Whatever the total sum of these short lived jobs, it is ultimately irrelevant; he has indeed found his true calling: used car sales. He rocks at it! Carrying the latest samples of the famed Ford Pinto line of automobiles, he has carved himself a niche that cannot be undermined (even by the most boisterous of Hyundai dealers).

Titanosaurus' main diet consists primarily of a healthy sampling of local steakhouse specialty, including (but not limited to) a medium-rare 12-ouncer with all the fixin's. His main hobby is haggling prices that he has purposely set far higher than the accepted market value. It was once believed that Titanosaurus had among the most annoying roars of all the kaiju. This has since been disputed by another reigning champion, Gabara. The tests are still inconclusive.

Titanosaurus resides chiefly off the shore of Japan. If you'd like to reach him, make him an offer!

A pair of red-trimmed off-white butterflies were found living in Siberia, despite the fact that their native habit was Japan...

This led scientists to inquire: "Who cares?"

Varan was born near Kitami in Hokkaido. When he became too large and too heavy for the local schools to accommodate, he and his family moved to Monster Island. A posh school in Connecticut did have enough acreage to accommodate the boy, but due to the fact that his maximum airspeed is Mach 1.5... it would take approximately six hours to make the entire trip (twelve hours round trip). Due to this glaring difficulty, he carpools with Lightspeed Mothra.

When he is at home on Monster Island, he tends to hang out with his buddy Little Godzilla at the playground. A straight-shooting kind-of-a-guy, Varan tends to get his friend out of numerous pickles (i.e. the "prodigious potion" incident and that one time he clicked on that "You're a Winner!" banner advertisement). While Little Godzilla's brush with fame came in the form of his YouTube exclusive series... Varan broke into the amateur political punditry game on the 24-hour T.K.-MBC News Channel. He has become the frequent victim of Moderator SpaceGodzilla's hypnotic spells... joining the ranks of other hypnotized news personalities (i.e. Hannity and Colmes).

On the side, Varan holds down a full-time management position at Beast Buy. Not much else to say here except that his video game records are posted in the break room...

Varan's diet consists of cheeses... often the ones that reek the worst. His hobbies include Gojiball, NPR, and video games. Some people claim that Varan dislikes being called a "triphibian", although he has been quoted as saying: "I don't know how that's an insult... now if somebody calls me a 'triphib', then that's a different story..."

Varan can be found at 958 Itami Avenue on Monster Island... and sometimes in Wisconsin (that cheese obsession again).

The one hundred and forty-first child of two hundred, Zilla was always considered unique. From an early age, he often perplexed others due to his heavy Winnipeg accent. It wouldn't be so out-of-the-ordinary, but he was born in New York!

Around the time of the Xilien Invasion of 2004 (codenamed: Operation Cattledriver) Zilla was drafted into intergalactic service to wreck havoc on Sydney, Australia. His primary objective: steal the didgeridoos and challenge random strangers to knife-sizing competitions. Ironically, those very actions made him a national hero, and every May 20th in Sydney is now considered Zilla Day. After the Xiliens inevitably failed (like they always do) and Monster X went into hiding in Gorosaurus' basement, Zilla bid a fond farewell to Sydney and made his way to Canada, where he developed a gripping fish addiction within the first week. By the second week, he was in Fish-Eaters Anonymous. Since week three, he has been completely fish-free!

Zilla's main diet consists of TV dinners and the trays they're packaged in. There is the occasional fish stick, but we all know those are made of processed algae (and that's what the decent brands are made of). Zilla's main hobbies consist of track-and-field and hide-and-seek. Some people say that Zilla keeps an iguana as a pet... to which he has been known to respond: "Yer seriours? Do you peorple keep orther peorple as perts?!?" A translation is on its way...

Zilla currently resides in Winnipeg with his hardy companion: Rowsdower.

To go into depth on the history of each one of these characters, or to even acknowledge their respective personality traits would be an incredible endeavor that would literally take minutes... maybe even dekaminutes! Therefore, I present to you brief bios to compensate your unslakeable lack of desire for details.